Wal Marty

This is about one of my mother's handicapped clients.
She would die of mortification if she knew I was writing this.

My mother(Katsmom) took 2 of her handicapped clients to Wal-mart. It was their reward for behaving (not swearing, taking their meds, and not punching anyone). J. is mostly nonverbal (except for swear words) and very violent. Sam is quiet and pretty nice most of the time. Sam and J pick out cough drops and white socks for their reward. They get up to the check out. Like most Wal-marts, there are 2 check outs open and 50 people waiting in line.
After 10 min. they are 1 person away from checking out. Sam puts his cough drops on the belt and then turns to my mother(who is trying to apologize to the nice check out lady--when J. called you a f-ing titty-ho--he meant to say 'Hello, how are you today?')

Sam: Katsmom?
Katsmom: Yes, Sam. What is it? No J. do not punch that little boy!
Sam: If I tell you something will you get mad?
Katsmom: What Sam? I won't get mad.
Sam: I'm afraid you'll get mad.
Katsmom: No, I won't get mad.
Sam: Are you sure?
Katsmom: Yes! What is it!
Sam: I had to go to the bathroom.
Katsmom: Well, can you wait a second? We're almost checked out. No! J. come back here!
Sam: No, Katsmom, I had to go. I had to. You're not mad are you?
Katsmom: What? What do you mean?
She looks down, checks his crotch for a wet stain. Her eyes travel down to the floor, to a small pile of poop that is spilling out of Sam's pant leg. Sam moves his leg and the pile of poop grows, spills over his shoe and then continues piling out of his pant leg. There is now a softball sized pile of poop on the floor and 20 people watching from the line behind my mother. The clerk gives her a handful of paper towels and my mother picks up the poop and deposits it in a handy wastepaper basket.
Then she takes her clients and runs out of the store.
She refuses to shop there ever again.

My question after this story was, "How could he do that? Wouldn't the poop get stuck in his underwear?"
I guess he wears loose boxers.

Oriann Tation

I had orientation today for my new job. From 8am to 4pm. Now I'm at work(old job) until 11pm.
Man, I'd forgotten about how boring and repetitive all that orientation junk is!
The exciting highlights of the day:

• To find the elevators look for a picture of red poppies.
• If you don't find said poppy picture you will be lost forever!
• If you want police and security to come running dial 666 for assistance.
• Sugarcane skewered shrimp with couscous for lunch (fancy pantsy!)
• Prescription vending machine by the ER .

I know I will get lost all the time for the first 6 months. New job(NJ) hospital is soooo big. Everything is brand new and every hallway looks exactly the same. It's scary and super shiny at the same time. At old job(OJ) I know everyone by their first name. There are over 1,000 employees at NJ! Yikes!

I'm scared, but........I can't wait to start!

Dear Patient

Dear Patient,

I know we don't all have the same personal space requirements.
If, however, I can tell that you started out your day with a pot of coffee and half a pack of Marlboros YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ME!!
Please get out of my face.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Your chin pores need cleaning out.

I'm Bad

Kilt shortage in the Scottish Regiment!

"the regiment's five thousand soldiers have only three hundred and twenty kilts between them ( if this is indeed true every fifteen soldiers are sharing one kilt)."

This woman is to blame.
For shame! Making soldiers run around naked.
Hmmm.....
Where is that sign up sheet for the trip to Scotland?

No Gloria!

My mom manages a group home for adult mentally handicapped men.
She has one client that she takes to work 3 times a week.
My mom stays with him during the day while he works, because 1. he is very violent and 2. he has diabetes and epilepsy.

This client, J., "works" in a factory-like building. The work is provided by a government program. J's job is to push pieces of paper into a shredder. He does about 200 to 300 lbs. of paper a day. My mother sits beside him and hands him the paper.

Some of the other clients sort boxes of nuts and bolts.
Most of the clients fall asleep, wake up to eat lunch, and then fall asleep again.
Sometimes they are violent or disruptive. Then the staff brings out a mat and physically holds the violent client down on a mat. They use special holds to incapacitate the client.

One handicapped woman, "S.", talks to her hand all day long.
Her hand is named Gloria.
And Gloria is very bad.
Very, very bad.
Some of the things Gloria the hand says are x-rated, but this is a cleaned up version of S. and Gloria her hand's conversation.

S. talks in a normal voice and when she does her hand's voice it is very high and squeaky.

S: "Gloria, you are being very bad. We need to get to work."
G: "No! No! I won't work you can't make me!"
S. "Yes, Gloria, you need to work. You are very bad."
G: "Ha, ha, ha!" (Gloria knocks a box of bolts on the floor.)"
S. "Oh, no Gloria! You are so bad! I need to smack you! Do you want me to smack you?"
G. "I don't care you @#*&^! You go to ^%$#!"
S. "Gloria! No! Bad girl.
S. hits Gloria (her right hand) with her left hand.
Then Gloria (her right hand) hits S. across the face.

S. hits herself so hard that her eyes start to water and she leaves a huge red mark across her face.

My mom says she's glad she doesn't have to work with the really crazy ones like S. and her hand Gloria.

Cough Cough

This is what happens when you say, "Sick? I never get sick."
Ha. Ha.
I am sick. I have a fever and a cough. When I swallow, my spit bumps down a rough, fiery throat. It hurts. This is the worst sore throat I have ever had. And I think I just lacerated my liver coughing. Maybe I have strep.
I feel terrible.

But I'm at work!

Everyone is mad at me, because I'm quiting and in 2 weeks they'll have to work my shifts.
I've never called in sick.
Who would work for me?

April 15th

I finally did my taxes last night.

Procrastination is my best friend!

It's so depressing.

I've managed to give all my money away to the government again.

They take 1/3 of my wages and this year I get $87.00 back from the state.

My mother says I should have a baby.

Single mothers/heads of houshold get loads of money back.

Hmmmm.....I think she was kidding. ???

The good thing is that my money's building roads and stuff.

Right?

OK- Highway 12 is now mine.

I bought it.

If you want to drive on it you have to pay me.

Buahahahha! (evil laughter)

No Way!

I got the job!

They called me on Sat. to offer me the position!

And they want me to start in 2 weeks!

Wow!

The Gathering

The Scottish Heritage community is going crazy over The Gathering. As in THE GATHERING. It's like The Rapture, but more work.

I guess, from the 40 or so fliers I've received, that every scottish person in the whole world must attend. We're all supposed to go to Scotland and do stuff....?

I'm sure it would be an amazing, fun trip and I would love to go (that's why I'm making fun of all the lucky people who can go), but it would cost an arm and a leg!

The dollar isn't too healthy.


And I'm very, very cheap. No. Very thrifty.

Paul Douglas

WCCO fired Paul Douglas!

He was the only reason I watched their stupid channel!

You could trust his forecasts. If he said it would snow 10 inches. Then it would snow 10 inches!

Well, now I can watch something else at 10 and not sit through boring news chat waiting for the weather report. Maybe I'll watch Scrubs instead.

I couldn't find a video of his forecasts, but.....

He's also in one of my favorite songs by Unknown Prophets- Summer Heat

Sorry -very bad video quality.

Eyes Up

We do a lot of pre-MRI screening x-rays.
Our protocol for any metal grinders or metal workers are 2 waters views. One with the eyes looking up and one with the eyes looking down.

You have to wonder about the person who discovered that MRI's and metal don't mix.

"Mr. Jones in a few seconds we'll start your MRI."
"Argh, my eyes! I'm blind!"

Tech writes in notebook: Note to self---pre-screen pt.s for metal in eyes. Metal+MRI=Bad!

Creamy McDee's

I like this post about McDonalds and vomiting.
Here

Maybe having a stranger pour things into your coffee isn't such a great idea.

What's Up

What's up with me:

I had an interview last Tues. It went OK. The position I really wanted is already filled, so... I'll have to see what happens.

I did a billion-zillion feet x-rays on Sat.
It's nice outside people! No ice, no snow. Why are you falling down?

I read 6 books on Sat

I made a lemon pound cake.

I went to the new tea shop in town with my mother.
I had a crumpet with clotted cream and strawberry jam.
My mom had a clootie dumpling, which is a boiled Scottish pudding/cake.
We also had tea, of course!

I went to the dentist. I have to go back again next week.

The price of gas went up 25 cents. I live in a gas price hike island. 30 miles in any direction and the gas price falls from $3.41 to $2.98. What's up with that!

I watched another Dr. Who movie.

I'm working my way through the 2nd season. I took a break after the 1st season, because I couldn't imagine a new person playing Dr. Who. Christopher Eccleston was soooo perfect. How can David Tennant even compare?

Yup, that was my week.