Doctor Notes

I stole this from the furry monkey
It's so funny!

Real Doctors Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Tomorrow at work they are "going live" with a new computer system in the ER. They plan on "phasing out" the ward clerks/secretaries. Now with this new system the Dr. has to enter the info on all the pts and order all the tests - by himself - no I'm NOT kidding. Ridiculous. They don't spend enough time with the pts right now. Personally, if I were a pt I would rather have my Dr suturing my hand or something instead of entering orders!!!

Doctor Blue

Mr. CP died on Monday. I guess he wasn't one of the 20% that survive.

Two things you should know about my hospital, before I start my story.

• After 8pm we are not allowed to page overhead.
• I've worked here 4 1/2 years and we have had 3 Dr. Blue codes.

So, on Tues. at 10:28, 2 mins. before my shift ends for the night, I heard a frantic page-"Doctor Blue to the ER! Doctor Blue to the ER!"

Yay! something exciting to do. So I hurry to grab a cassette, grid and turn on the portable machine. Rush to the elevator, push the button...wait....wait....wait...ding!...rush into the elevator...wait...wait...ding!..rush out of the elevator into the ER.

There are three disembodied heads peeking out from between the curtains of exam rooms 2,3 and4. The patients are all goggling at the trauma room, so I head in that direction.

I push the portable machine and drag the EKG machine in my wake (this is a skill:driving the port machine and pulling the EKG machine at the same time, I usually end up running over someone or bashing my heels with the EKG machine).

When I get to the trauma room I see: A man in blue jeans, lying on the floor, spread eagle on his back. Nurse Bumknee kneeling by the pt's head trying to get O2 tubing attached to a tank. Dr. Blackjack kneeling and talking to the pt.

Nurse Sunny, who is 9 months pregnant, comes in behind me and grabs supplies to start an IV in the pt's left arm. A couple seconds later, the lab tech arrives and kneels down to take blood out of the pt's right arm. The pt is surrounded, swarmed and I have to straddle the pt. to get the EKG stickers on his chest.

EKG:normal. And five minutes after all the excitement the ER is back to normal too.

It was fun while it lasted!

Surgery Sucks

I am soooo tired. I had to work a morning shift today. Last night I got off work at 11pm, drove home 30 mins., and then got up again at 5am and to drive back to work.
Started the day off with a mammogram. Did an awsome job - as always - nobody gets more breast tissue on a film than me! I get chest wall everytime, on every film.

At 9am I went up to surgery. The first case was a foreign body removal and the second one was a gallbadder. Easy-peasy, 2 hours tops, Right? Wrong! I was in surg. for four hours!!

Four hours wearing about 20 lbs. of protective lead. apron, thyroid shield, ect. Plus the ever stylish blue hair net and yellow face mask.

The for. body was a kid that was burning garbage, someting exploded and hit him in the cheek. Dr. T. dug around and around in the boy's cheek for like hours. Seriously, if anything happens to my face I'm going to a cosmetic surgeon. No scars for me! Thanks very much.

They usually use a magnet to suck for. bodies out of incision sites. The magnet looks like metal toilet paper holder with a metal tip on either end. They stick the metal tip end into the flesh, squish it around a little bit and sometimes that's all it takes. The for. body sticks to the magnet and sclushp it's out.

But not today. It wasn't ferrous. So it wouldn't stick to the magnet. And it was stuck it a chunk of tissue, so Dr. T just had to dig it out manually.
My job in Surg. is pretty boring. I stand there and push the C-Arm in and out of the surgical site. When the Dr. says x-ray, I press a button and take an x-ray.

The gallbladder took forever, because the Dr., thinking it was an artery, clamped a duct off and then tried to inject contrast. "Hmmm, the contrast isn't going anywhere?" "Maybe it's the big stain-less steel clip you just clamped there."

Most of the time I really like Dr. T.
He's quiet and he doesn't swear at me.
A+ Dr.!!