Ass Wipe

Mentally handicapped patient to Diabetty:

MH: Are you gonna do a ass wipe of my 'ed?

Diabetty: No, we're going to do an x-ray of your chest.

Wal Marty

This is about one of my mother's handicapped clients.
She would die of mortification if she knew I was writing this.

My mother(Katsmom) took 2 of her handicapped clients to Wal-mart. It was their reward for behaving (not swearing, taking their meds, and not punching anyone). J. is mostly nonverbal (except for swear words) and very violent. Sam is quiet and pretty nice most of the time. Sam and J pick out cough drops and white socks for their reward. They get up to the check out. Like most Wal-marts, there are 2 check outs open and 50 people waiting in line.
After 10 min. they are 1 person away from checking out. Sam puts his cough drops on the belt and then turns to my mother(who is trying to apologize to the nice check out lady--when J. called you a f-ing titty-ho--he meant to say 'Hello, how are you today?')

Sam: Katsmom?
Katsmom: Yes, Sam. What is it? No J. do not punch that little boy!
Sam: If I tell you something will you get mad?
Katsmom: What Sam? I won't get mad.
Sam: I'm afraid you'll get mad.
Katsmom: No, I won't get mad.
Sam: Are you sure?
Katsmom: Yes! What is it!
Sam: I had to go to the bathroom.
Katsmom: Well, can you wait a second? We're almost checked out. No! J. come back here!
Sam: No, Katsmom, I had to go. I had to. You're not mad are you?
Katsmom: What? What do you mean?
She looks down, checks his crotch for a wet stain. Her eyes travel down to the floor, to a small pile of poop that is spilling out of Sam's pant leg. Sam moves his leg and the pile of poop grows, spills over his shoe and then continues piling out of his pant leg. There is now a softball sized pile of poop on the floor and 20 people watching from the line behind my mother. The clerk gives her a handful of paper towels and my mother picks up the poop and deposits it in a handy wastepaper basket.
Then she takes her clients and runs out of the store.
She refuses to shop there ever again.

My question after this story was, "How could he do that? Wouldn't the poop get stuck in his underwear?"
I guess he wears loose boxers.

No Gloria!

My mom manages a group home for adult mentally handicapped men.
She has one client that she takes to work 3 times a week.
My mom stays with him during the day while he works, because 1. he is very violent and 2. he has diabetes and epilepsy.

This client, J., "works" in a factory-like building. The work is provided by a government program. J's job is to push pieces of paper into a shredder. He does about 200 to 300 lbs. of paper a day. My mother sits beside him and hands him the paper.

Some of the other clients sort boxes of nuts and bolts.
Most of the clients fall asleep, wake up to eat lunch, and then fall asleep again.
Sometimes they are violent or disruptive. Then the staff brings out a mat and physically holds the violent client down on a mat. They use special holds to incapacitate the client.

One handicapped woman, "S.", talks to her hand all day long.
Her hand is named Gloria.
And Gloria is very bad.
Very, very bad.
Some of the things Gloria the hand says are x-rated, but this is a cleaned up version of S. and Gloria her hand's conversation.

S. talks in a normal voice and when she does her hand's voice it is very high and squeaky.

S: "Gloria, you are being very bad. We need to get to work."
G: "No! No! I won't work you can't make me!"
S. "Yes, Gloria, you need to work. You are very bad."
G: "Ha, ha, ha!" (Gloria knocks a box of bolts on the floor.)"
S. "Oh, no Gloria! You are so bad! I need to smack you! Do you want me to smack you?"
G. "I don't care you @#*&^! You go to ^%$#!"
S. "Gloria! No! Bad girl.
S. hits Gloria (her right hand) with her left hand.
Then Gloria (her right hand) hits S. across the face.

S. hits herself so hard that her eyes start to water and she leaves a huge red mark across her face.

My mom says she's glad she doesn't have to work with the really crazy ones like S. and her hand Gloria.