Throat Ca-chunk

Ok - try this: Take a drink of water. Do you hear a noise in your head when you swallow? No? Try it again. Bend your neck to the right, to the left, down, across. Yes? You can hear a noise?

THAT'S NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!

I did a video swallow (dumbest exam ever, next to VCUGs) today on a 30-something woman with the history of: chunking noise in head when swallows.

Yes. Really.

What did the Rad. tell her?

He said, "Huh, yeah I have that too. You're not crazy, there really is a noise. It's the cartilage in your neck. (Thank you for your money, have a good day.)"

She also had foot weakness, post-nasal drainage and sinus pressure. Really? A video swallow? Why?

Well, I like my job (and money) so come on crazy faker patients. Can't you think up any other imaginary symptoms?

~On a side note: I randomly picked up the optical space age thermometer today and took my temp. It was 100.1F

And I felt fine.........but I had a fever, so I had a perfectly good reason to go to the ER.

I took it a couple more times and it was 100.0 and 99.8

Oh, well I had better things to do than sit in the ER waiting room for 3 hours.~

No Gloria!

My mom manages a group home for adult mentally handicapped men.
She has one client that she takes to work 3 times a week.
My mom stays with him during the day while he works, because 1. he is very violent and 2. he has diabetes and epilepsy.

This client, J., "works" in a factory-like building. The work is provided by a government program. J's job is to push pieces of paper into a shredder. He does about 200 to 300 lbs. of paper a day. My mother sits beside him and hands him the paper.

Some of the other clients sort boxes of nuts and bolts.
Most of the clients fall asleep, wake up to eat lunch, and then fall asleep again.
Sometimes they are violent or disruptive. Then the staff brings out a mat and physically holds the violent client down on a mat. They use special holds to incapacitate the client.

One handicapped woman, "S.", talks to her hand all day long.
Her hand is named Gloria.
And Gloria is very bad.
Very, very bad.
Some of the things Gloria the hand says are x-rated, but this is a cleaned up version of S. and Gloria her hand's conversation.

S. talks in a normal voice and when she does her hand's voice it is very high and squeaky.

S: "Gloria, you are being very bad. We need to get to work."
G: "No! No! I won't work you can't make me!"
S. "Yes, Gloria, you need to work. You are very bad."
G: "Ha, ha, ha!" (Gloria knocks a box of bolts on the floor.)"
S. "Oh, no Gloria! You are so bad! I need to smack you! Do you want me to smack you?"
G. "I don't care you @#*&^! You go to ^%$#!"
S. "Gloria! No! Bad girl.
S. hits Gloria (her right hand) with her left hand.
Then Gloria (her right hand) hits S. across the face.

S. hits herself so hard that her eyes start to water and she leaves a huge red mark across her face.

My mom says she's glad she doesn't have to work with the really crazy ones like S. and her hand Gloria.

Slap Me

A patient smacked me today! It was a 63 year old woman (I can't say lady). She just reached over and gave me a hard slap on the butt.
What?!
Crazy old woman....The automatic reaction is to smack her back, but of course, I can't do that. I could, but then I wouldn't have a job, so I restrained myself.
That doesn't mean I didn't punish her.
She was super crazy-they found her passed out in a snowbank and she has severe frostbite on her legs, with big pussy blisters. yuck.
She slapped me...I 'accidently' hit her legs with the wheelchair when she's sitting down. Oops.
Now we're almost even.